I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
You Might Also Like
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
How to woo a woman
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?