Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
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worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
💻🤡
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late