It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
A duv-egg? In this economy?
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily