Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*