“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.