[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory