woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
you gotta be faster
Cashiers are always checking me out
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.