(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
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Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
no their not
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them