Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.