I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
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I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠