On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
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He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Woke up against my better judgment again
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
consequences, the bane of my existence
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.