Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
You Might Also Like
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*