Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.