I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
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*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then