(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
You Might Also Like
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?