Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?