me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
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Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
12. I think about this all the damn time
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*