You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
You Might Also Like
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Thrilling chase underway
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Kids, do not try this at home!
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Don’t tell me what to do
Not today. 😅
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here