“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
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[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
How high do the levels go?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut