I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend