WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Doggies just call it style.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it