listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
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How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
God has left this place
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
got so much cardio in today
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING