My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
getting groceries
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?