I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I love the honesty
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you