SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Candles never taste the way they smell
You are what you delete.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s