Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
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Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?