Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
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HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*