Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.