ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
You Might Also Like
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*