On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened