[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
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If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Happy Friday
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.