There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..