One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
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These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?