Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly