I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
One venti cheeseburger please.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Good dog. ❤️
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69