i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”