At least try to make it slightly believable
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Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.