The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.