I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
These are my roll models.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up