There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*