shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
You Might Also Like
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
The answer is funnier than the question
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
im all 3
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.