Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
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[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
We’ve all been there
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing