my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
You Might Also Like
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few