*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
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(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…