Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.