Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?