BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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Leonardo DiCaprisun
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin