My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
BaD BoY!!
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track: