A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
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My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.