I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?